Another routine last post of the year...

This year had been one helluva emotional roller coaster ride. I've been through both the best and worst times of my life, but for most part of this year, I've been in a constant state of depression.

Yes, I'd been an emotional girl all along, and gets affected easily by alot of external factors. But this year, ever since the life-changing decision, I'd allowed myself to sink deeper and deeper into the abyss.

For many weeks and months, I'd been trying to put up a strong front, to show the world that everything is fine, but deep down, I knew I needed help. I'd never felt this way ever. Never. This sadness is so overwhelming that I have no idea I'm on the brink of clinical depression until one fine day when I opened my room window wide (I'm living on the 15th floor btw), and looked down over the edge of the window sill, thinking how it would feel like to soar through the air.

It could have been easier if there is someone or something I could blame on. But perhaps, I've overlooked this guilt in me for too long that it's slowing taking its toil on me. And the fact that I've allowed someone else to step in so soon, thinking that I've totally gotten over everything. It ended up hurting both of us, and this pain is more real than what I've ever felt before. Maybe it's just like salt rubbing on an open wound.... It's too painful I really felt like just giving up my life.

As I write this post, I finally realized I should just let go of the guilt that has been eating me up from inside. Decisions doesn't belong to me alone. I should stop blaming myself for everything that has happened, and look forward to what is in front of me. I hope with this realization, I could let myself go and be a much happier person, to myself and to the people around me. I have to find back the happy Alicia that everyone loves....

And I also hope I do not have to resort to professional help (i.e. by dialing the number of IMH).

I should also have to learn how to be in a normal relationship...

And yup.. There goes my 2011 new year resolutions.



Happy New Year, my friends. And I mean REAL HAPPY.

:)

PS: I want a Polaroid instant camera!!!