I'm finally in Paris... After 6 hours on the road... With all the stupid changing of their uber messy subway network all the way from Frankfurt....

Gosh.... Now I seriously enjoy the comfy and darn convenient public transport system that Singapore has. Hahaa!

The metro stations in Paris have like endless amount of stairs to climb, and looks like some haunted place or some place where crime will take place. LOLs. Scary experience.... >.<

Anyways, I'm staying in this fabulous serviced apartment which has a kitchenette complete with all cooking utensils, cutleries and a dishwasher! There's also free internet access (so here I am blogging) and lotsa bistro just downstairs. Surrounding my block has got like so many nice antique looking buildings. And people here don't like to draw their curtains or close their windows, so I can totally see inside their houses and see what they are doing! -_-" And yes, a fat ang moh opposite is doing his ironing, topless.

Gotta go hit the showers now. Will be back to blog more and maybe post some photos! =D

Speed blogging here, 'coz we are rushing off to Mainz for our cruise!

After spending almost an entire day on plane, we're finally in Deutschland aka Germany!

Will blog soon again! Haha!

I'm kinda stressed out these 2 weeks due to the upcoming exam and my Europe trip immediately the day after my exam ends.

Packing, mugging, planning, more packing, more mugging, more planning.

Thank God I have my lovely boy to help me with the planning. I must have done some marvellously good deeds in my previous life to deserve someone like him. Hee~ <3

My stupid exam is like tomorrow, and it's Math-related (my greatest nemesis). Hopefully I can scrape through this paper so I don't have to retake!

I'll be leaving Singapore in less than 48 hours time, and I'm only halfway through my packing. T_T I foresee a sleepless night tomorrow... *snoreee*

Anyways, sorry if I missed catching up with you before leaving. Those whom I did not manage to catch up with... Shall see you all in the nearrrr future (right, ZT?) =P


On a side note, some things happened recently which just proves that my theory is right. =) So much for all the "gimmicks"... Some things are just not meant to be... Thank goodness I did not waste my time and effort to join in the fruitless fiasco. LOLs. =P (Yes, I'm a meanie!)


I'll probably be posting my next entry in Deutschland! =D

Late night rants...

I almost didn't feel wanna come home tonight. 'Coz I don't wanna come back to a home that doesn't give me any warmth or welcoming feeling. Sometimes, I suffer from severe mood swings: being super happy when outside with friends versus being super unhappy when coming home to a bunch of nonsense.

How to forgive and forget when almost every night you are having the same nightmares about your childhood? How to move on when nothing else in your life is moving on? How to break away from this life when you are born and bred in this very life? Everyone has been asking me if I'm feeling excited about going to Europe, and everytime I give the politically correct answer: Yes. But in actual fact, I'm feeling kinda mixed up inside. I look forward to it, but not overly excited about it. I look forward to getting away from home for so long, but at the same time, I'm not feeling good about something which I have no idea what is it about.

I don't have a lot of courage. I need alot of reassurance to do the things I've never done before, to face the challenges ahead of me. I'm weak. I've been crying to myself alot these days, and for what I've no idea. I don't know what's bothering me. I don't know what's making me this unhappy. Nothing seem to be able to cheer me up. Not shopping, not games, not money, not singing, not the trip. I think I'm going mad.

I know I have to accept fate. But how many of us has actually learn to do it? Why preach something that you can't even practice yourself? Accepting fate means accepting the fact that I'm like this forever. Useless and half-pail in whatever I do. Career? I don't see a path illuminated for me. Singing? I seriously sucks at it. Piano? Half-pail. I really don't know what I can do.

I really just want to go away and never come back. I want to stay somewhere far from all these nonsense, far from my own life. Yes, I hate my life THIS much. My life sucks to the max. And don't try to argue that with me 'coz you are not the one living my life. And if I ever have that much courage, I would have ended my life like NOW. Jump down from the window of my 15th floor bedroom and just be gone from the face of this Earth and hope to reincarnate to be born in a proper family.

Sometimes, people dream to make themselves feel happier 'coz in their real life, they feel lousy. But even my dreams are mostly nightmares. Even my dreams refuse to give me something good and nice to dream about. Why give me nightmares of my days at my nanny's place? Why give me nightmares of all the unpleasant things that happened before?

I want to live a normal people life. I really want to. I want to have a real place where I can really call home. I want to feel real family warmth. I want to feel unconditional family love. I want a proper family. I don't want all the riches in the world. I don't want anything luxurious. I don't even mind staying in a house made of mud. I just want a proper family. I want coming home everyday to warm welcomes, mom's loving dinner, dad's words of encouragement, sister's bickering with me, family chatterings at the dinner table. I don't want coming home to the cold and hard walls, no dinner, mom's incessant frustrations and naggings and complaints..... Sometimes I just felt that I'd had enough.

The boy doesn't understand all these 'coz he hasn't been thru the shit I've been thru. I really envy his family. Sometimes I would imagine how nice it would be if they were my real family, to be their daughter. How I would give up everything to exchange for that.

He just doesn't understand how many years of pent-up frustrations I have in me. How many years of misery I've endured. My anger is not because of 1 or 2 bad things she'd done, but for what she'd decided along my path of growing up which had moulded my life. 1 bad decision is equivalent to 1 hatred for her. And she'd made countless of bad decisions since the day I was born, including the decision to give birth to me.

What's the point of fixing back the pieces when the scars can never be healed? What's the point of being sorry to me when she doesn't even feel sorry for the things she'd done? What's the point of trying so hard to find back the bond which is already long gone? Gone the moment she threw the first harsh word at me. Gone the moment when she still wants to find the cane to hit me at the age of 20. Gone the moment when she made the first decision on her own to her own benefits without sparing a thought for me. Gone the moment when she decides to leave me at my nanny's place for as long as she could.

Beneath all the glam lies a sad past.... Which regardless how hard I try, can never be forgotten...

My tagboard is still not functioning normally.

I'm still banned from tagging!

So here I am trying to answer everyone's tag before I start my post...

sad_galgal: i do not have alot of savings, just tat i don't have alot to spend on and my social activities doesn't incur high expenses. u cld just try to cut down on ur spending so u wun be struggling lor. =D

shijie: oh ya hor... nvr realise my want list is outdated le.. =P more LV for u? pls send me ur orders if any. lols...

AweL: wheeee~! come come, pack ur bags and fly! hahaha.

*********************************************************************

Am going back to the boy's hometown with him this weekend. Just a nice short getaway from all the nonsense going on at home.


I've sort of like a love-hate relationship with my dad. After all these years of disappearance, I just can't pretend that I don't hate him. Because of him, my mom has to send me away to nanny's and because of him, I can't have a normal family like everyone else. But after all, he is the one sponsoring my air ticket to Europe, so I can't bring myself to hate him that much either. But satisfying my monetary needs doesn't write off the emotional debts he owed me throughout my entire childhood and teenagehood. So... I really don't know. I just know I don't feel happy when seeing him and grandma. I don't wanna be reminded of the unhappy memories whenever I see them.


In 12 more days, I'll be on the plane on my way to Europe! I'll be flying to Frankfurt first, and will be going to France and Netherlands! Will be spending 2 weeks in my university... Hope the experience will be nice! Wheeee~~~!

But before that, I have to clear my exam first! *ROARRRRRRRRRRRR*

Mugging, mugging, mugging.....


BTW, I saw this uberly cute dog the other day I was visiting a pet shop...



TONGUE hanging out when sleeping! How cute is that?!?!?! LOLS!

Most ambitious women are scheming.

They would stoop to anything to bring others down.

It's kinda sad that I do not have the wits to fight against such women.

So most of the time, I would just pull myself to a safety distance and watch the cross-fire from afar.

However, if the bullet still hits me although I'm far from the cross-fire, the revenge I would return is 10 times more scary than anyone could have imagined.

No, I would not fight back physically. But it will be a psychological war.

Regardless how high your status are, how famous you are, how rich and powerful you are, I will not respect you if you do not earn my respect.

I've got a backbone so scarily strong that you can do nothing to break it.

I'm not and never is a scheming person. I am what you see I am. I do not understand how people can think otherwise of what they see in me.

Perhaps, those who think I'm scheming are the ones who are scheming themselves.

Ok, this is totally weird.

I just got banned from my own tagboard?!??!?!?!!

What stupid bug is that?!

How does it feel to be staying in a house that don't feel like a home anymore?

This feeling is so damn familiar to me. Since I was what, 1 year old?

Staying under strangers' roof, coming home occasionally to nothing but more scoldings and torturings.

And when I thought I finally can stay peacefully with her in a place I used to thought HOME, she has to let it out to some strangers again.

How does she want me to respect her if she doesn't even respect me as her daughter?

How does she want me to be responsible for the house when she doesn't even allow me to make decisions on MY house?

Does she even treat me as her family? Decisions have to be made as a family, isn't it? But why is she making all the decisions on her own?


I feel so alone and disowned. Like an unwanted child.


If both parents don't want to bear responsibility for me, why bother give birth to me in the first place?

Since both parents love to push responsibilities to each other, why even bother giving me false hopes that she will be there whenever I needed her?

My life is nothing but lies, nothing but a joke.

I'm nothing but a burden to everyone else.

Finally, it's all over!

VS Exams over, 星光 PK Semi-finals over!

I can finally concentrate on my upcoming school exam and start planning for my Europe trip.

Phews~ Chasing after passion sometimes is really a chore, and really takes up alot of time. Haha~

Shall go into a short hiatus before starting to prep myself again for more challenges!


Yipppeeeee! I can start eating KFC again!! Wheeeee~ =P

Some photos to decorate my dying blog... LOLs...


Finally getting The Sims 3....










Very Singer Exam....

Camwhoring before the exam....


The very album-cover-like shot (Both our make-up and hair-do are sponsored by Liren Neo)


Me and Christina!


Me and Ling Zhen!


Camwhoring again after the exam (I screwed up my song badly *sobs*)...


Bryan and me with ji-che-carebear-motorcycle-broooom-broooom-sha-de laoshi sandwiched in between


Act model again. LOLs.


Sweetie Fiona and me


Wendy (she's got the sweetest voice!) and me. Some ji che person think this angle very artsy-fartsy. o_O


Me, Shu Ting and Iris (we finally managed to take a complete picture after spilling some cold water on Shu Ting. Poor thing.)


Bummer life still rox. Haha!

Lots have been going on since I officially became a bummer.

Catching up with school work, preparing for Very Singer exam and 星光 PK audtion... Until I no time to start playing SIMS 3!!! Grrrr.... Plus the fact that I'm so addicted to Harry Potter that I read finish volumes 4-6 in like 2 weeks time. LOLs.

But anyways, I will do a proper post as soon as I find the motivation to!

HAHA.

I am...


lost.


Not as in LOST that lost. But really lost.

I've been hibernating for the past 2 weeks. Work, home, home, work.

I suddenly just lost interest in everything (well, except THE SIMS 3! =P).


I don't know what am I doing all the things I'm doing for.


I don't know what I'm studying for.


I don't know what I'm working for.


I don't know what I'm learning singing for.


I don't know what I'm in Very Singer for.


Ya.. Stupid me.

I just feel wanna hide at home everyday and be cut off from the entire world outside.


And I'm even more disappointed by the fact that I will not be able to join in the Very Singer Graduation as I'll be in UK by then.

Sigh.


Help.

The sweltering heat has resulted in me having frequent headaches and dizzy spells.

Gosh.. I need to move to Antarctica.

The Sims 3 will be launched next Tuesday!

Yes, the original The Sims 3! Not some stupid pirated leaked copy which probably contains lotsa viruses or bugs! *pfffffft*

And I finally gotten a copy of the pre-order card which is also the invite to the Launch Party @ Iluma Bugis!

Wooohoooo~!!!!!


My plumbob (no, it's not floating above my head) and the pre-order card.


Errrr... Sidetrack abit... LOST is damn addictive! Hahahaa!


Ok, really looking forward to the launch of The Sims 3 next week! 7 more days to go~!!!! Wheeeeeeeeeeee~~~~

Feeling emo again...

Working Mondays always never fail to make me feel shitty.

I know it's 18 more days... But... Why can't it just end like now? I don't see the point in serving the stupid 1 month notice when I no longer have anything to hand over.

Arghhhh...!!!

Recently, I'm feeling super anti-social. I just wanna spend my free time hiding at home watching dramas and playing games.


I don't know when I'll recover again...

Along the way of pursuing our ultimate happiness, there are some things that have to be sacrificed.

I'm not someone who will admit defeat easily, but I'm also not someone who likes competition.

If people wants to compare me with others, and thinks that I sucked, so be it. I won't bother to change myself to accommodate to make others happy.

'Coz I know, as long as I've done and given my best, I should not really care what other people think of me.

There are alot of better people out there I can never win.

I will only allow myself to be sad for a day, and that's it. Life goes on. Moreover, there is a better life waiting for me down under (i.e. New Zealand! =D).

No, this is not admitting defeat. This is just to make my life simpler and more peaceful. I don't want to be stuck in that vicious cycle anymore. I don't want to be someone who will never be happy and satisfied 'coz they are constantly competing themselves against others!

Sometimes, I can't help but to feel envious of those who have a chance to perform in public.

I know if I got that chance, I will work doubly hard to give my best performance.

But alas, I'm always not the lucky one to get chosen.

What to do? That's life... I can't complain, can I?

The boy agrees that I have the character of a guy, but the behaviour of a girl.

So basically, I'm a manly girl.

I'm very MAN ok! *flexes arms to show off fats muscles*

HAHA!

Oh well, that also explains why I click better with guys than girls. Lols!

Sometimes, movies adapted from novels can be quite disappointing.

This is because technology can never win human's imagination.

There are so much things a reader can draw in their mind when they are reading the novel, but our visualization is pretty much restricted by the scriptwriter's interpretation of the novel and the end product we see on the screen.


Having read the original novel, I find that the movie adaptation for Angels & Demons was really disappointing. Although the main story and twist are pretty much intact, there are certain important details which have been left out. So the entire movie doesn't really gel as nicely as written in the novel. There are certain parts which might not even make sense to some people. And with that, I would give the movie a 4 out of 5 rating, otherwise it would be a perfect adaptation.

For first-timers, this show will really put you on the edge of your chair. Hahaha. So it's still worth it to go watch. Tom Hanks really fit Robert Langdon nicely, however, the Vittoria they casted was quite far from what I've imagined. Lol!

终于解脱了!

My misery will end in a month's time. No more waking up in the early morning, no more wasting my time sitting in front of the laptop for 76625142678923824 hours, no more juggling of so many activities at once, no more fretting, no more torturing the boy with my endless agonizing complaints.


I'M GONNA BUM FOREVER!!!


The great counting down to bummer's life starts NOW! WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!



Oh wait, there's still my FYP to complete..... >.<

I want a Snowshoe Hare!

It's the most amazing bunny on Earth! It changes its style according to the different seasons! Its fur turn white during winter and brown during summer! How cool is that?!


Snowshoe Hare during winter...



Snowshoe Hare during summer...



Both styles are equally cute! =D


And the most deadly beady eyes....



Awwwww... Ain't they cute?!!! *heart melts*

Sometimes, I really envy those kids who can be so close with their mothers.

I envy how they can talk about anything under the sun with their mothers, how they can do anything they want and their mothers will always be supportive in whatever they do.


I've learnt to accept the fact since a very young age that I'm different from other kids, that my family is broken, that my mom will never be there for me whenever I needed her, and that my sis who is 10 years older than me is too busy getting on with her own life to care for her baby sister.

I grew up feeling lonely, especially given the fact that I was lousy in making friends. I had no friends, no parents, no sister, no relatives.

What I had was only a tyrant nanny.


But that's not the point. The point is, till now, my mom still doesn't see that she is the one who ruined my childhood and teenage-hood. I do understand why she has to put me thru all those, 'coz destiny doesn't give her any choice to act otherwise.

But when I finally moved home, why can't she shower me with more understanding? There are alot of things I still did not open up to her about even until now. There are times when I really wished I could have a heart-to-heart talk with her, but I know it's pointless. She will end up reprimanding me or giving me her "very constructive suggestions" which, by the way, are usually not very supportive comments.


And so, the main point of this post is that, I do not know how to break it to her that I will be jobless by July. I really need her full understanding of why I want to do this, which I reckon she never will.

Sigh. Family should be full of warmth, isn't it? But why is mine always full of stress and unhappiness? =(

Went Rebel with my girls last Thursday, pictures later...


Anyways, the main point of this post just to announce that there will be a few good upcoming things to look forward to from now till September!


First up on 17 May
Angels & Demons!!!! GOLD CLASS here I come again! LOLS!


2 June
The Sims 3
This will give me enough reason to get a new gaming PC! Wahaha!


15 September
Dan Brown's long awaited novel, The Lost Symbol (previously under the working title of The Solomon Key), will finally be published!!! Can't wait to get my hands on a copy of it!

Only low self-esteem people will do things to bring other people down.

I really admire their courage to do such things, 'coz they will require every bit of hard-heartedness and zilch conscious to do the things that they do, even if it means becoming a 2-headed snake, or betraying family and friends, or being able to live their life happily without feeling any bit of guilt.

I would think if someone ever become like that, they have just attained the lowest level of human form.

They are worse than even a dog. At least a dog is loyal to its owner. =)

And I honestly feel sad for them, 'coz I believe in retribution and karma. Sooner or later, something even worse will happen to them for the pain they once inflicted on others.

May God bless their souls.

Don't Go Away is a very beautiful song, written by 时泽老师 and By2!





Enjoy!