Contemplating to close down this space as I've lost the brains for writing. Lols..

Oh well, till then.

Another routine last post of the year...

This year had been one helluva emotional roller coaster ride. I've been through both the best and worst times of my life, but for most part of this year, I've been in a constant state of depression.

Yes, I'd been an emotional girl all along, and gets affected easily by alot of external factors. But this year, ever since the life-changing decision, I'd allowed myself to sink deeper and deeper into the abyss.

For many weeks and months, I'd been trying to put up a strong front, to show the world that everything is fine, but deep down, I knew I needed help. I'd never felt this way ever. Never. This sadness is so overwhelming that I have no idea I'm on the brink of clinical depression until one fine day when I opened my room window wide (I'm living on the 15th floor btw), and looked down over the edge of the window sill, thinking how it would feel like to soar through the air.

It could have been easier if there is someone or something I could blame on. But perhaps, I've overlooked this guilt in me for too long that it's slowing taking its toil on me. And the fact that I've allowed someone else to step in so soon, thinking that I've totally gotten over everything. It ended up hurting both of us, and this pain is more real than what I've ever felt before. Maybe it's just like salt rubbing on an open wound.... It's too painful I really felt like just giving up my life.

As I write this post, I finally realized I should just let go of the guilt that has been eating me up from inside. Decisions doesn't belong to me alone. I should stop blaming myself for everything that has happened, and look forward to what is in front of me. I hope with this realization, I could let myself go and be a much happier person, to myself and to the people around me. I have to find back the happy Alicia that everyone loves....

And I also hope I do not have to resort to professional help (i.e. by dialing the number of IMH).

I should also have to learn how to be in a normal relationship...

And yup.. There goes my 2011 new year resolutions.



Happy New Year, my friends. And I mean REAL HAPPY.

:)

PS: I want a Polaroid instant camera!!!

My life has been nothing but a rough roller coaster ride.

Ironically, I now miss the good old peaceful days, which in the past, I found it too boring for my liking.

I once had everything a girl ever wanted, but I let it go.

Maybe it's bad karma, I'm now suffering the consequences of my decision.

I know I should put an end to all these absurdly redundant misery, but sometimes, knowing is never enough.

You still need the extra dose of courage to top it off.

For so many years, these feelings have grown so strange to me that I no longer know how to deal with them.

And it hurts bad. So bad I just wanna will myself to fade away.

Once again, I'm at the crossroad, and not knowing which direction to take.....

I grew up in an environment where there is no love and no family warmth.

I grew up in an environment where I'm always deemed as the unwanted.

I grew up in an environment where I'm always owing a debt to the one who chose to give birth to me.


Why does she always have to think that giving birth to us is like a super big thing.

She is the one who CHOSE to give birth to me. I did not put a knife at her throat forcing her to give birth to me.

And now she blames me for everything.

Blames me for even being existing in this place.

From young, I've always wondered why am I even here when I'm so unwanted. Even till now, she still gave me that feeling.

I'm just an unwanted bastard child that came from her own lust.

Right.

When you forcefully tear away the love from your heart,
You will find yourself breaking into a million pieces.
Life will be meaningless.
All you will be left with is an empty shell,
And hanging on the brink of your sanity.

今天经过了位于 Capitol Building 的一家叫 Blue Bay 的婚纱店。

我，停下了脚步。

通常，就算经过在漂亮的婚纱，我根本就不会看第二眼。

但今天， 我却对橱窗里一件别致的婚纱一见钟情了。

是一件设计简单高雅的白色婚纱。腰围上系了一缕浅蓝色的大蝴蝶结。

我站在那看了好久，真的很喜欢很喜欢那件婚纱。

但是，越看，心里头就越难过。

也许，这辈子也没机会穿上它了吧！

没人娶我，哪有机会穿婚纱呢？

哈哈！

我的生日礼物，可以是那件婚纱吗？还是应该要个肯娶我的男人？ =P

I've totally no idea what to do for my birthday this year.

I've thought about plenty of things, like holding an extravagant party at some atas location, going overseas (like again?!) or just hide at home and sleep it off.

And then this crazy idea suddenly came to me when I walked pass Fullerton Bay Hotel today.

I should probably just spend a night at some nice hotel locally!

And maybe to have a nice chill out with a few of my closest friends at some rooftop bar after that.

Oh yes, the HIGH life. LOLs. Been so long since I've been soooo extravagant on myself.

Anyways, I've just booked a Horizon Premier room at:

Marina Bay Sands!!!

Imagine the Skypark and the infinity pool~ This is shiok-ness! Haha!!

And that's when my next headache comes... Should I make it a public party or a cozy private affair in the room?

I need ideas, people!

Sometimes, I wish things could be simpler, could be like before, when everything was perfect, when I was the happiest and luckiest girl in the world with everything she could ever asked for.

And if only things didn't happen, we could really be like before.

But everything's changed now, I know, right?

It's not a choice... There never was a choice.

Things will still wind up this way. 'Coz this is fate.

There is nothing we can do to change fate.

I don't want anymore tears in my eyes... I don't want the wound in my heart to heal only to be tore open again.

I wanna get away.

To somewhere no one can find me.

Where there is just me, the blue sky, the white sand and the sparkling sea.

To accept love, you must forget hate.

But it's easier said than done.

How can you ever forget the pain that have once been inflicted on you?

And I wish there is some way that I can forget everything.


'Coz for all I know, I've never really loved anyone but myself.

It's really revolting to see how some guys think so highly of themselves to the extent that they think I would reserve all my time for them.

That's so bloody hilarious.

And what's more funny is that you can tell me we should spend some time to ourselves to do our own stuffs.

LIKE HELLO??? SINCE WHEN I DEMANDED FOR YOUR TIME OR EVEN ASKED FOR YOUR COMPANION????!!!

I'm just being nice to make you the priority among my other friends. But that doesn't mean I AM RESERVING ALL MY PRECIOUS TIME FOR YOU OR THAT I AM EXPECTING YOU TO ACCOMPANY ME OR WHATSOEVER.

I can jolly well spend all my time to myself or to spend it with people who are earnestly waiting for my time.

And not to someone who thinks that I like to stick to him very much.

PLEASE. URGH.

I've never needed anyone in my entire life, and not about to start now. You can just have all your time to yourself and no one's gonna stop you. Thank you very much.

I hate it when I find myself thinking of things I do not wish to think, missing people who I do not wish to miss, and pinning for the one who is not pinning for me.

I should really just put everything outta my mind and concentrate on the upcoming performing crew 验收.

And I know I can do it. I will impress. I will overcome.

After all, I've been through much more than that.

Alicia, 加油喔！

And I know
We can't carry on like that.
But I just don't know how to put a stop to everything.
It's too surreal. You are too good to be true. And I'm so overwhelmed.
I know I couldn't ask for more
Though I just need a sign
To tell me all these will never fade away.
And to hear the words I wanna hear
Are the words you're never gonna say.
How long more can I hold on
When I need someone to give me a hug
And to give me a shoulder to lean on
And tell me everything's gonna be fine.

Boo!!!



I'm too lazy to blog about anything in my life, 'coz apart from the fact that my life's back to normal after MSU, there's nothing exciting, well, except for the bunch of interesting and lovely friends I have, the chill-outs, the suppers, the clubbings, the night drives etc....

Next Saturday is my company's Dinner and Dance!!! The theme is movie character. Hmmm... Maybe I should dress up like Marie, the Aristocat!



*MEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW*

I really had enough of her relentless naggings about me going out late at night.

I'm effing 26, going 27. I don't see why I can't hang out late into the night or even until morning.

So what if I'm a girl? As long as I'm capable of taking care of myself, I don't see why not???? Not like I will get kidnapped or something.

And why does she always have to tell me that all my peers have gotten married and I've not?

IT'S NOT UP TO ME WHETHER I WANNA GET MARRIED OR NOT. MUST ALSO HAVE SOMEONE WILLING TO MARRY ME RIGHT???!?!?!?!!

And why does she always have to assume I'm OUT DATING OTHER GUYS when I hang out late?!??!?!

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

She's freaking driving me NUTS AGAIN!

Time for me to move to hotel again.

The feeling of knowing that someone is leaving you is really dreadful.

It's just like that time when he came back from Switzerland only to tell me that he is going away again, for an even longer time.

The days counting down to his departure was really hard to live through.

And the days without him are even harder to live through, although I'm slowly getting used to it.

Sometimes, I really hate myself for being so emotionally attached to someone so easily. I wish I could be more 潇洒, to just let things go more easily and to take things more easily. I don't want to keep having to repeat the pain again and again, though I know in life, it's inevitable. Nothing last forever.... Especially not good times. But.. Just lemme live longer in my dream, please... It's what keeps me going...

And you have been terribly missed...... :(

Was just talking about Taiwan with a friend.... and it suddenly makes me miss Taipei soooo much. I wanna go back during summer!!! But I can't take my leaves anytime so soon. =( Sighhhh...

Helpppp... I need a break outta SG!!!

This week is finally over!!!

It's been sooooo torturing for the entire few months due to the preparation for MSU. I can't blog publicly about things I wanna say, about complaints, and scolding all the bad words and being my usual self!!!

Now that it's FINALLY over...... I CAN FINALLY BE MYSELF AGAIN!!!

WHOOOOOOOO. To hell with grace and poise. HAHAHAHA.. I am ME, ALICIA TAY, the like to act cute, crazy, random SIAO SIAO girl! HAHAHAHA.

Anyways, it's been a tiring week for me.... But overall, it was a nice experience and I get to know lotsa great people!! I will blog more about my experience soon when the mood is more settled for everyone. Hahaha.

Much loves to all those people behind the stage who made this pageant a success.

And congrats to our new queen, Tania Lim!!! =)))) Finally I see some hope in Singapore winning Miss Universe this year! LOLs!

Alot of people have the misconception that swimming gives you muscles instead of giving you the body you'd always dream of. However, this is quite the contrary.

I'd never liked running or other forms of exercise which makes me perspire. Or rather, I should say I've outgrown the age where I love to run in the sun (I used to love running, basketball and love to be out in the sun and to perspire!). That's why I'm only left with swimming which I depend on mainly to keep my weight in check.

Done some research over the Internet and here are some of the benefits of swimming and why swimming is more effective and less damaging than other forms of vigourous exercises.

1. Water makes movement harder, as it adds resistance to movement. When you swim, it is estimated that it takes twice as much strength to move in when compared to moving through air. In addition, when you swim you will encounter resistance no matter which way your arms or legs are moving, be it up, down, or sideways.



2. The resistance encountered as you swim is not as strenuous on your ligaments and joints. Swimming is a low-impact exercise that still requires you to exert significant amounts of energy and force to move. Running, on the other hand, is a very high-impact exercise that can create and cause problems to occur both in the short run and the long run. Running a marathon is actually the worse thing that one could have done to their body, and the doctors and physical therapists will all agree and suggest strongly that they do not run any more but to take up swimming instead.



3. Swimming burns calories at a rate of 3 calories a mile per pound of bodyweight. This happens in both a regular pool and a lap pool. Remember, you will not get the same amount of calories burn with swimming as you would biking or running, but you will still get other great benefits, again with little or no negative impact on your body.



4. Regular swimming will increase your muscle strength and endurance. Swimming will not give you a body-builder body, it will give you a swimmer's body. In other words, swimming will give you a toned, healthy body.



5. Swimming builds strength against disease and strengthens your heart. When you swim (be it in a lap pool or regular pool) you will be building your heart muscles, which help you pump blood through your body more effectively, increasing your blood circulation and overall health.



6. Swimming can be used as a form of meditation. Many people find it very relaxing to swim. Letting your mind relax and wander, focusing only on the rhythmic beat of your stroke can be a very powerful and healthy way that people meditate. It will take time and training, but can be accomplished much more in swimming than other recreational activities since your body temperature does not rise as much in swimming as it does in other activities, since swimming by nature is a cool, relaxing activity that promotes proper breathing.

Please let me know if you are interested to come support me and the other pretty girls! =D

Sometimes, if your hard work does not get recognised, you will just lose all the motivation to work even harder.

No, it's not that I'm having a bad attitude. It's just that I feel I've reached my bottleneck where the harder I try, the more I get stuck.

When that happens, it's good to have a short hiatus once in a while to defrag my harddisk a bit. Haha.

Anyhow, it doesn't matter whether I'm there or not, since I'm not the main cast. LOLs. Small fry can MIA once in a while without being noticed! Bleh!

And as a paying customer, I don't think I deserve to receive that kinda comments when I fail to turn up for class. I don't get my lessons for free, and that kinda gives me the right to choose if I wanna go or not. It's not like there's only 1 school in Singapore offering this kinda lessons. 跩什么嘛! LOLs.

My mood's been on a roller coaster ride recently.

If not for D, I would have gone crazy already.

Crying whenever I miss him, and getting on my hissy fits when little things went wrong.

I almost felt like I'm slipping into depression.

Sigh. I honestly hope the calm mood lasts longer. It's really tiring to be upset with the heart aching.

It's really tough to be separated for a few thousand miles away from someone you see almost everyday for the past 3 years.

Gone not just for weeks. But for months.

You really have to experience it to know the pain of missing someone so much.


Thank you... for being there..... =)

My room is the one place that makes me miss him so muchhhh till my tears keep flowing....

But it's the place I would have to go home to everyday.

Which means I will cry everyday.

Gosh.

When will this ever end????

Looking at all the natural phenomenons that are happening around the world right now, it's really kinda stupid to see on the news headlines about the unrest in Thailand.

What's the point of fighting so much when a simple earthquake or flood will just wipe out the entire city? Why can't the Thais just live in peace with one another?

I've never understood humans' greed for power and money. Why do you need so much power when all it gives you is stress and more fightings? The more you fight, the more your people will suffer. So is that all worth it just for the sake of your power? Don't they feel anything when thousands of lives are killed in the midst of the crossfire? Don't they feel anything seeing the quakes in China killing everyone in their path? Don't they feel anything by what the forces of nature can do that we humans can't stop it? Why are they contributing to the misery when what they are doing is all man-willed and can be stopped by just giving the command to stop????

I really feel sad for this who are blinded by power.... 'Coz they will never feel happiness ever again.

The emo bug is killing meeeeee.....

What a bad day to start off...

Firstly, I can't find anything to wear to work. Why are all the working shirts sold in SG so effing shortttttt?

Secondly, my bangs are like neither here not there. I can't trim it 'coz I've to keep it long for MSU..... And I totally just don't know how to tame it. GOSH.

Thirdly, the makeup artist totally screwed up my eyebrows. They over-trimmed it! And now both my brows look different. WTH. Somemore, I have never knew how to draw eyebrows, since I never had brow problems (Just fyi, I have naturally nicely-shaped eyebrows which never require any kind of drawing!).


And I hadn't been feeling happy since the night we agreed to certain things.

It's my decision but why am I feeling so emo about it?????????? This feeling is like losing the entire world, and life has no meaning for me anymore.

I really don't know if my choice is right.

I just really can't stand him giving me the "indifferent" attitude.

It's really taxing to contain the sadness and the pain......

I just don't wish to face it. I just wish to continue pretending that everything is fine.

But somehow, he just have to spoil it by making curt remarks.

ARGHHH. Can someone just kill me?????????????????